….and as I lay on the carpet of my bedroom floor contemplating ending it all, I made a vow that I would never kill myself. For 2 reasons: 1) I have no idea where I will end up, and it would be counter productive to remove myself from this life just to end up somewhere worse with no escape and 2) I figured if I had to stick around, I would dedicate my life to helping others enjoy what I had accepted I could not, life.
Here’s my story. I know there are many, many of you out there with similar stories, maybe different settings, but ultimately the same lessons and questions none the less.
Since I can remember I have cried. I have cried for seconds, I have cried for hours. I have stopped my tears, I have hid my tears, I have let them pour and wondered if I would ever run out. I never really had anything to cry about, I was always just. sad.
No one likes someone who’s sad all the time, so I learned very quickly to be the best actress I could be! I know how to be the perfect daughter (when I want to), the perfect student, the perfect sister, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend.
10 years later, numerous pills to fix a “chemical imbalance” and countless therapy visits (where I gave them the “right” answers I knew they were searching for…) I quit. 10 years of pretending is unbelievably mentally exhausting, and doesn’t offer much of a life.
I still pretend when I’m around people, but to fix that, I just don’t go around people anymore. At least not when I do not have to. My friends think I don’t care about them anymore because I do not come out to play, and that’s not the case, I just would rather hide from a world that I hated 10 years ago and that I still hate today then come out and pretend that things bring me joy, when they do not.
I’ve recently started studying Buddhism, and have found so many concepts in Buddhism that resonate somewhere deep inside me. Every page in the book The Eight Steps to Enlightenment is another “oh my gosh, you get me!” moment.
I believe in energy, I believe we are all made up of energy. I have no idea where we came from, or where we end up. I think I believe in reincarnation, but not so sure on the details of that yet….
I believe that positive energy attracts other positive energy. I know that I need to take every moment as it comes. I know I need to live in the now. I know I need to appreciate all that I have and all that is. I know that I need to live without fear. I need to have gratitude for EVERYTHING. I know that I need to love all people, even if I don’t like them.
That is where I am stuck. Loving people. People who care about all of the wrong things. People who are so often stuck on the surface. People who work their same 9 to 5 jobs that they hate and complain about, yet do nothing about. People who judge each other but never take a moment to put themselves in check. People who stay in unhealthy relationships because they are too afraid of change. People who want and dream yet do nothing about it.
No matter where you come from, no matter your story, race, history, age, etc. We are all searching for the same things. We all need to love and to be loved. We all enjoy bringing happiness to others, we all want to find the purpose of life and want to live a long and fulfilling life. Yet with so much in common, people are so mean. People are horrible. We intentionally cause others pain, we judge, we compete. ME. ME. ME. That seems to be the way things are. So how, I wonder, am I supposed to love something so horrible? Something that I can not for the life of me comprehend? Why can’t everyone just stop what they are doing for one moment and take a step back and look at the big picture? When did we get so far away from our loving and compassionate true nature???
I hope my story has a happy ending, but I do not have one for you just yet. I am still on my journey. I am still learning every day.
My daily reminders:
- Love people. All people. Even if you do not like them. We are all the same, and even if I do not like someone, they too are human, just like me, and if nothing else, I need to respect that about them.
- Enjoy each moment. Take a breath. Enjoy the here and now because every second is a gift, not a guarantee. The destination is not the only thing that matters, what is even more important is the journey.
- The past is the past, let it go. The same thing goes for every emotion I have. Everything is impermanent. Just as the clouds in the sky will dissolve into clear blue skies, so my emotions and feelings shall come and go.
- I do not know my purpose, but I have recently decided that my purpose is what I make it. 10 years ago I made a vow to help others enjoy life, and for the last few years anyway, I have completely forgotten that vow and hid from everyone, rather then come out and help. But guess what, today is a new day, right now is a new moment, and it is NEVER too late.