I am a control freak. Ill admit it. Most of the time I feel like that’s the only way anything is going to get done and get done right, if I just do it myself.
So these past few weeks have been anything but easy on me. In case you don’t know, I quit my job to move to Hawaii to open a Krav Maga school. I’ve never been to Hawaii, which really is like a foreign country, btw. I don’t know the ways of land, I don’t know anyone here, and I have lost control of just about everything.
I have no idea when my next pay check will exist. I can not control how quickly my building is renovated (since I can’t do it myself and I’m forced to rely on other people.) I can’t control how quickly items are shipped to me, because its Hawaii and everything takes forever to get here. I can’t control the fact that no one here emails back and it takes a week for anyone to return a phone call. (They call that island time)
And I have no control over getting my puppies out of quarantine – and they’re my therapy dogs! So needless to say, I’ve been kind of freaking out.
I know all the “right” answers on how to deal with the stress, but it’s all so much easier said than done. In Buddhism you are taught to just experience the “here and now” and be happy and content right where you are. Enjoy each moment and know that the future will take care of it self and the past is in the past.
But man, I sure am preconditioned to worry!
I know that I am so blessed, and that a package getting here late or someone not calling me back is not the end of the world.
Each night I watch the sunset, knowing that no matter what happened in my day, that beauty will always be there. Do you think the ocean cares whether my walls are painted, or if the kitchen is clean? Not a chance.
A friend said yesterday “I was in control of everything up until 4 years ago, I controlled when my bills were paid, I controlled my household, I was in control of my marriage, my kids, my job – or so I thought. Turns out, it controlled me.”
And so she too is now learning to let the world be as it is going to be.
And trust that the world will not end if we’re not in charge.
Breathe. Jessica. Breathe.